This World I Used to Love
by AuthorsCamelot
Summary: My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 17 years old. I have a sister Prim. My father died years ago. I am in Love with Peeta Mellark. I was taken from my life. I was sold. I was raped. I am nothing. I have nothing.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Katniss POV

I feel nothing. My entire body shuts down. I stare blankly at the wall. A single tear creeps down my face. I have nothing, I am nothing. I repeat this over and over again, until I believe it without a doubt. I feel the pressure lift from above me. But I don't move. I lay there as he gathers his things. I lay there as he leaves without a word. I do not get up. I never get up.


	2. Chapter 1

**Hey guys so I received a review saying that I needed more bulk to my story, and I could not agree more. I have added details to all chapters and expect some longer chapters soon. Thank to all who are reading this, I honestly didn't think anyone would**

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><p>2 weeks earlier…<p>

"PEETA!" I scream as he throws me over his shoulder. I laugh until my stomach hurts as he runs around in front of the dilapidated high school with me on his back.

"I am not letting you down until you agree to go to the Prom with my dearest Katniss Everdeen." He giggles knowing I will give. Ugh what has this boy done to me? I hate school functions and yet I know I will love this one because the man I love will be there with me.

Up until two years ago, I would never have believed you if you told me, I Katniss Everdeen, would be this happy because of a boy. But Peeta has that effect on people. Peeta is one of those people who can make fun of you one moment and then the next, he stares at you with those unbelievably blue eyes (that may I say can melt anyone's heart) and makes you feel like there is not enough love in the world because he's hogging it all and sending at you. Peeta has been my surprise happiness and I am so happy that for once in my life, I didn't back away, but accepted and embraced.

"FINE!" I yell at him with absolutely NO trace of venom despite my efforts, and he almost immediately sets me down, and takes my hands in his warm calloused ones. I can see the hope in his eyes. "I will attend this Prom you speak of as long as you promise to go to the lake with me afterwards." I smile at the thought of sharing my father and mine's place with Peeta. I have never taken anyone out to the lake. Peeta knows this as he had tried to tag along a few times in the beginning, he was never pushy but I could tell he wanted to know why i would not let him come with. But after I finally opened up, he never asked me again because unlock anybody else I know in this world, he understands my boundaries. He stares back at me, as he understands the gravity of which this proposition holds. He stares at me with those beautiful blue eyes that seem never-ending. He pulls me in for a deep kiss, and I feel that fire rise in my stomach again. He hands cradle my face as his tongue asks permission to enter my mouth and I allow him access with a moan. He pulls away all too soon.

He holds me close as he whispers in my ear: "I love you every second of everyday". I scowl lightly at his never-ending words of endearment. He really is one of the biggest cheese-balls you'll ever meet. He backs away a little to look into my eyes; he pushes back a few pieces of hair that have fallen from my braid. I wipe my scowl off my face and kiss him again in response.

He takes my hand and pulls me to his car, opens the old, rickety door and quickly takes his spot in the driver's seat. He searches for my hand as soon as the key is in the ignition and I instantly take it entwining our fingers. He pulls my hand to his lips and places a feather light kiss on my hand, as we drive away from Cornelius Snow High. I look out the window in silent peace as the scene of our small town passes by. I have lived in the town of Panem my entire life and I know every street corner by heart. We pass by Peeta's family's bakery. Then I smile as we pass The Hob, remembering the day Peeta and I met.

_I ran as fast as my skinny legs could take me. As I slammed into the back door I was instantly hit by the whoosh of the cold air that was ever present in this old restaurant. I went to my locker and tied my apron while walking to the front. I had only gotten the job a month ago, and I needed the money. I walked up to my first table, still slightly out of breath._

_"Hello, welcome to The Hob, what can I get you this evening?" I say without looking up._

_"Hey um can I have a chocolate milkshake?" A boy asked, I could tell from his pitch that he was a dude but I could tell from his dialogue he was probably my age._

_"Of course" I say, finally looking up I see who is sitting at my table._ It was Peeta staring at me with his half smile. I remembered him instantly. He saved my life when I was younger, after my father had died. Little did I know that whilst paying the check Peeta asked if I wanted to go see a movie with him and his friends after i got off work, and before I could think clearly a "yes" tumbled from my lips and I have never once regretted that one word.

When we reach my house I lean in to give a goodbye peck but he surprises me when wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me flush against him, deepening the kiss. I have been with Peeta for almost three years now, and even today I feel a love like no other emanate from him. I honestly don't know what he sees in plain old me, but I am not complaining. I pull back remembering something.

"I have to go meet Gale in the woods." I say in explanation for breaking the kiss. His eyes always have a twinge of something I only ever see when I mention Gale to him but I shake this off and give yet another peck, only this time Peeta accepts that I have to go. I hop out of the old truck. I look back and Peeta still has that look. "Hey, I'll come by afterwards ok?" His eyes fill completely with love again and some new found excitement as he eagerly nods yes in response. With a smirk I quickly make my way to my door and look back to see Peeta pulling out of the driveway. I run to my room and change to go meet Gale.

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><p>I sit in the forest and soak in the feeling of the trees around me I can hear the buzz of life in my ears and I love it with my entire being. Suddenly things change, and I know why: Gale. Gale and I have been fighting to survive together for as long as I can remember. Gale's dad was claimed in the same mine explosion as mine, so at age eleven we bonded over this tragedy in order to save our families. We have been friends ever since. For a while, the entirety of the town believed we would one day marry, and one time, so did Gale. It made sense, I'll give him that, but I did not love Gale the way he wished I would.<p>

When Peeta and I began dating, Gale freaked. He and I had planned to meet in the woods that day. I was calmly sitting, waiting for gale to make his appearance, when out of nowhere a very angry Gale crashed through the trees. He began screaming profanities I had never heard slip from his mouth before. Apparently Gale had seen Peeta and I's first kiss. Then out of nowhere he grabbed me and pushed his lips to mine, I tried to break away, but couldn't. I slapped him the second he came up for air and ran away. I didn't see or talk to him for almost half a year, but one day while out hunting I heard him. He looked at me and whispered a "sorry" and we've been working ever since to be the way we used to.

"Hey Catnip" Gale says with a sly smile as he breaks through the tree line and into my sight of vision. I smile slightly and stand to greet him.

"So Gale how are the mines?" Gale is a year older than myself. He was smart enough to leave this town, got the grades, and the acceptance letters to prove it, but he didn't have the money necessary. He fell to the fate of so many others in this town he became a coal miner, just like his father and mine. I usually never ask about the mines because they terrify me, I have nightmares every night and through my own mind I watch my father die every night. But today I need to know, I don't know why but I do.

"Same old same old" He responds simply. Despite his response being one I expected it irritated me slightly because I wanted to know. I stand and hand him his bow. I take my own and we begin our hunt. I love to hunt. I love seeing the forest cast shadows and the way the sun glints on the leaves. It is the only part of my father I have left. Gale and I rarely speak while hunting as to not scare off the animals. A few times I'll catch him staring at me with eerily wistful eyes. We spend hours out in the woods, and when I see the sun begin its descent I turn to Gale and suggest we leave. As we walk back, Gale turns to me suddenly.

"Why do you love Mellark?" He asks. Oh no, not this again, he hadn't brought it up in months. I groan and answer simply with:

"I just do."

"But why? What does he have I don't?" He pressures.

"We are not talking of this right now Gale. I thought you had given up on this." I snap. I can hear my voice, it is filled with enough venom to kill.

"I will never give up on us Katniss." He whispers, so that I can barely hear him. I decide to not further this conversation anymore and change the subject.

"I'll take three squirrels and the rabbit, the rest is yours." I say grabbing my share and leaving him behind me.


	3. Chapter 2

**Katniss POV**

I do not get home until it is dark. I walk into the house and my mother sits on the couch with the television on, never watching, she just looks past the screen into the nothingness behind it. She has since my dad died. My little sister, Prim, was accepted to a boarding school with a full ride through 12th grade, when she was only 12. I miss her everyday but I know its better for her, she gets three hot meals a day and a great education. I can't say that for myself. Peeta always tries to give me money and food but I refuse to accept it. I quickly shower and head over to Peeta's not even acknowledging my mother as the floorboards creak beneath my feet, signalling my exit.

Peeta only lives a block or two away. I absolutely love that he is so close to me. I use my key he gave me about a year ago, to open the back door that leads directly into his basement apartment type thing. Peeta's parent's decided to give him the basement for his room, much to his brothers disapproval. The basement has a miniature kitchen tucked away in the far left corner and the ability to lock his door completely, causing a thick soundproof layer between him and his parents gives him all the privacy he wants. I walk in and he is sitting at his easel painting. I sneak across the room and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I feel him jump and tense initially but as soon as he sees me he relaxes and turns to kiss me. As our kiss deepens I creep around to straddle his lap. I feel his strong arms pulling me closer to him and tighten around me as our bodies smash together. We break away for air as he smiles and whispers. "Miss me?" Into my ear.

"Always" I reply and begin to assault his mouth again. I tangle my hands into his golden locks as his hands find their way under my shirt. I shiver against the feeling of his hands on me. I gasp as he lifts me into the as though I am weightless, and carries my to his bed, never breaking the kiss.

My hands sneak under his shirt and pull it up to reveal his chiseled abdomen. My fingers trace his abs and he moans lightly. Suddenly he pulls off my shirt to equalize the amount of clothing being worn. Peeta's hands begin to wander my body. His calloused hands run over my thigh, and then slowly travel their way up to my stomach, and finally they reach my breasts. I let out a moan as he massages them.

He quickly looks to me asking permission to take my bra off. I answer by sitting up so that I am straddling him and slowly remove it. I watch his eyes darken with more desire than I thought possible. As I toss my bra to the side Peeta flips us so that his body is hovering just over mine. He begins to kiss a pattern down my skin. I know where his end game is and this causes me to elicit a moan just at the thought.

As I suspected, Peeta makes his way down to my chest where he takes one of my mounds into his mouth working the other with his hand. I practically scream at the sensation. I can feel a slight smile dance on Peeta's lips.

I can now feel Peeta's hardness between my thighs and I begin to grind into it. This elicits a loud, low groan from Peeta. I slowly trail my hand down his chest to his hardness. I slip a hand inside his thin boxers and run my hand from his base to his tip. Peeta lets out a loud moan that I take pride in.

Peeta's free hand travels south and waits at the waistband of my underwear for permission to go further. I lightly nod and almost immediately I feel his finger plunge into my folds. I suck in a deep breath as his fingers begin to pump in and out of me.

"Just like that Peeta" I manage to moan out.

"Do you like that?" He asks with a smirk on his face as his fingers go deeper and pump harder.

My back arches and I am surrounded by complete ecstasy as I ride out my orgasm.

As soon as my body relaxes just a little from the pleasure. I begin to slowly pump my hand over Peeta's member. In response he shudders above me. He quickly adjusts so he can pull of his boxers, allowing me full access to him. I begin a faster motion, weakening Peeta just enough so that I can flip us over.

I kiss his lips one last time before I begin to leave a trail of light kisses down his chest to the base of his erection. I then do something that surprised myself: I took as much of him as I could into my mouth and began to bob on his erection. From this action he began to thrust into my mouth.

"Oh Katniss! Yes! Just like that. God you are so fucking sexy," he repeated as his hand thrust through my hair pushing my head down so that I could take almost all of him into my mouth.

To my surprise Peeta pulled me up and flipped us so that he was on top again. I shot him a questioning glare and he simply responded with a smirk saying:

"I want to try something else tonight"

I soon felt him pull my underwear down my legs leaving a trail of juices from my last orgasm down my thighs. Peeta began to lick the juices from both my thighs and I moaned loudly. I know knew what he was doing, he had tried a few times before but had only ever gotten it semi-right once.

Soon Peeta's mouth was on me. His tongue searched for my little bundle of nerves that would make all the difference. To my pleasure and his satisfaction he found it rather quickly this time and began to suck gently on it. I screamed in pleasure and his fingers moved to pump in and out while his mouth hung onto my bundle. My body soon began to shake in ecstasy. And I screamed out his name. I screamed all the way through my now second orgasm.

With his face now dripping my fluids and a grin placed atop his face he said, "I believe I finally got the hang of that." I smirked but then felt his erection on my thigh. A very large part of me wanted to go farther to go "all the way" and I could see from Peeta's that he did too. But as we held our gaze, we knew we had to wait.

This fact however did not stop me from flipping us once again so that I could finish what I had begun to do earlier Peeta's length filled my mouth and soon so did his juices. After we quickly cleaned up a bit. Peeta lay down behind me and grabbed my waist, holding me as if I would break if he didn't. I smiled into the darkness at this thought as Peeta whispered words of love into my ear. I soon fell to sleep.

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><p><strong>Peeta POV<strong>

I wake suddenly at the feeling of Katniss thrashing in my arms. I hear her blood curdling scream and try to wake her as quickly as possible. I shake her bony shoulder and repeat her name trying to get to her, to save her from her own mind. I hate seeing her like this. She terrifies me with her nightmares. Luckily I see those beautiful gray eyes and I hug her tight to my chest as she cries. I hate the horrors she lives through, I wish I could take her somewhere where no one could ever reach her, where she could sleep in peace instead of this constant assault of horrid memories that fill her mind every night. It physically hurts me to see her in pain. I whisper, "It wasn't real" over and over as her body continues to rack with sobs. I stroke her hair gorgeous dark raven hair and feel her begin to calm. Her breathing evens out and I wipe her tears away with the pads of my thumbs.

After another 10 minutes, she closes her eyes and I feel her begin to slip into sleep once again, clearly exhausted by the dream. I refuse to go back to sleep. Instead I watch her sleep as if I can protect her by watching her and holding her small, too thin frame as close to me as possible.

The first time we slept together, and I mean actually sleep, she had been watching a movie at my house and had slipped into a deep slumber on my couch. I knew her mother wouldn't even notice her absence, so I carried her slight frame to my bed. It was the first time I had truly felt how light she was. It sickened me that she was struggling to feed herself and much to my dismay she refused to let me help her at all. At least now she will accept some things, like the cheese I always keep stocked for when she visits. I pulled back my comforter, with her still in my arms, and gently laid her down. I had contemplated for a while whether I should pull her jeans off of her or not. I decided on the latter because I knew it would freak her out, and I did NOT want to send Katniss Everdeen, the girl I have loved my entire life away screaming. I settled myself down next to her and situated us so that her body was placed perfectly against mine. Certainly this was no coincidence. I quickly fell into a deep slumber, the best I had had in years. When I became fully aware of just how haunted she was:

_I felt her squirm beneath me. I slowly woke, becoming confused by her actions and then she began thrashing and all of the sudden all I could hear where her screams._

_"NO! PLEASE! NO! DADDY! I LOVE YOU PLEASE DON'T GO! I NEED YOU! NOOOO!"_

_I immediately began to shake her, but she refused to wake. "KATNISS! Katniss, baby wake up. Come on honey, please wake up." For every second she thrashed and screamed I was scared shitless. I tried to wake her for more than five minutes and when she finally woke both her and I were in tears. I held her as she sobbed for hours. Finally I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She replied with:_

_"I'm sorry I woke you. I should of warned you about these. I understand if you don't want me anymore."_

_I stared at her incredulously. "Katniss, I would never leave you, I love you. But baby, how often do these happen?"_

_"Every night. I should go, you'd be better off without me. You deserve someone who won't wak you up every night. I am broken Peeta, and you deserve perfection." She said with her dried tears quickly become wet as her eyes swelled with sadness. I pulled her to my chest and ran my finger through her hair, trying to calm her._

_"Katniss, I love you, nobody else. There will never be anyone else. I will stay by you every night. I will hold you after every nightmare, because you are it for me Katniss, and that is perfect for me."_

After that night, she spent almost every night in bed and has ever since.

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><p>As the sun begins to rise I feel her begin to stir beneath me. She turns around and smiles. God I love her. I could not imagine a world without her. She looks at me and asks, "When did you wake up?"<p>

I lie and say "About 20 minutes ago." She burrows her head further into my chest. She looks up slightly and takes her face in my hands and kisses her gently. I begin to deepen them as she crawls atop me so that her nude chest is pushed against she jumps out of bed. I am highly confused until she says:

"I have to call Johanna and Annie, and prom is tomorrow!" I laugh slightly at her realization.

"If you had agreed earlier this wouldn't be problem would it?" She scowls in response eliciting another laugh from me and in turn an even deeper scowl from her. I toss her her jeans and she steals a shirt from my drawer. "Hey I need clothes too." I try to say it seriously but my smile gives it up. She scans my body from across the room and simply says, "No you don't" with a smirk. After she is done braiding her hair I reach out my arms to her, silently pleading for her to come closer to me. eventually, and after a slight eye roll she lazily walks over to me. I wrap her in my embrace and give her a kiss on the lips.

"I wish you could stay with me, in this bed for the rest of our lives." She stared at me with those deep; dark gray eyes clouded with desire and pulled me in for another passionate kiss. That was the thing about Katniss; she was terrible with voicing her emotions because she blocked them out for so long so instead she replies with actions. I personally love it. She pulls away again and waves goodbye, as I fall back into bed and curl up next to where her scent still lingers.

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><p><strong>Katniss POV<strong>

"Jo this is literally the 20th dress you have made me try on." I glare at her as Annie comes out with yet another pile of dresses. I met these two doofuses the night I said "yes" to Peeta at the diner. I was instantly drawn to Johanna because despite her abrasiveness, I understood it. Annie on the other hand grew on me. While, yes she was very nice and open, she was just that open. At the time I didn't understand it and because i had no friends other then Gale at the time, to have this girl come up to me and tell me her whole life story and what she thinks about almost everything within 30 minutes of meeting me, freaked me out. However, I am very lucky to call these two buffoons my best and only girlfriends.

"Come on Brainless you need to look hot for your man, you can't wear jeans to prom" Jo responded, sending me in with a god awful metallic blue mini dress that I know would not even cover half my ass.

"I know Jo but, ugh!" I sigh accepting temporary defeat. They make me try on at least 30 more dresses I personally think about half of them would work just fine, as they don't make me look like a whore, but Jo and Annie claim they need perfection.

Finally, we find it. It's a long matte white gown that is tight around my boobs but then flows out gradually until it hits my toes. It has a sweetheart neckline that swoops just low enough to have slight cleavage, which pleases Jo and probably Peeta.

"Now onto shoes!" I hear Jo say. I groan loudly but once again go along with them. I want this night to be perfect, no I need this night to be perfect. I am to become a classic cliché on Prom night, which makes me vaguely want to gag at the thought. I am 100% sure pre-Peeta Katniss would have pulled out this Katniss' hair and eyes had she heard my plans. I plan to take Peeta out to the lake after prom and in the wonderful moonlight, of my favorite place on earth, I plan to lose my virginity to Peeta Mellark.


	4. Chapter 3

Katniss POV

I stand in my room braiding my hair so that the curls that I have done fall from the braid gently. I believe Annie had called it a waterfall braid. Once I am happy with my hair I begin to do my makeup. I was never really one for heavy makeup so I apply mascara and eyeliner to my eyes and a lip stain that give my lips a more pinky less neutral color. Oddly enough I am excited for tonight. I cannot wait to feel Peeta inside of me for the first time. I know it will hurt, but I am ready. i want Peeta Mellark fully and phone's loud ringing pulls me from my thoughts. I chase after the noise quickly so that I don't miss it. "Hello" I speak into the old chord phone. Rapping my finger around the chord.

"Hey" I recognize the voice, its Peeta. I can hear the strain in his voice. I turn to look at the clock above the old gas stove that we have had since I was born. This is odd; he is supposed to pick me up in 20 minutes. As if he reads my mind through the phone he says "Katniss, sweetheart I am so sorry and I know I should be picking you up in like 15 minutes but something happened with my mom and I'm going to be late," I can hear the guilt in his voice, even though we both know who's fault this is.

Peeta's mom is a wretched woman who thinks it is okay to beat my beautiful Peeta and his brother's. This is not the first time he has called like this. I know his mother hates me, but I'm pretty sure hates everyone. I remember the time I got to see his abuse first hand.

_It was our six-month anniversary, and Peeta being the sap he was wanted to make a big deal of it. I did not. So we settled on spending time in bakery baking to our hearts desire. I think part of why Peeta wanted to do this was fatten me up a little as our last make-out session had gotten a little steamy and he had felt my little too prominent ribs and backbone. We had just finished a flour fight that somehow ended with me sitting atop the counter, when heard her wretched scream fill the bakery. Peeta's eyes were immediately filled with fear as he pushed me into the closet, pleading for me to not come out, no matter what. He had just closed the door when I heard her gasp at the mess I knew Peeta and I had made._

_"PEETA RYAN MELLARK WHAT IS THIS MESS! YOU MY SON ARE FUCKING IDIOT! HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO MAKE THIS MESS!" I cringed at her abrasive words. Then I heard the crack. "YOU ARE WORTHLESS!" **Crack!** "YOU ARE A WORTHLESS COW!" **Crack!** I did not know how to respond. Was she really hitting Peeta? At this I jumped out of the hiding place to see a bloodied Peeta huddling in a corner while his mother towered over him, rolling pin in hand._

_"LET HIM GO! I made this mess! Don't you dare hurt him." I screamed at her and saw the look of fear in Peeta's eyes. I could also see he was angry at me for making myself known._

_"Oh look if it isn't Peeta's little Seam whore." How much is paying you bitch, surely it isn't much." She turned back to Peeta. "Found yourself a cheap whore you could afford huh?"_

_She was soon in front of me with a raised rolling pin and it smashed itself into my head. I felt dizzy but before the blackness crept around me, I saw Peeta full of rage running at his mother yelling at her as he picked me up and ran to my house. I was fine, even though Peeta fussed over me for weeks. I made him tell me everything his mother had done. I had known Mrs. Mellark was a witch but to hear what she did to him sickened me._

"Peeta it's okay, I would wait an eternity for you." I smile into the phone, allowing myself to be sappy for his sake.

"I love you Katniss Everdeen" He responded and in the way he talked I knew he had a smile playing on his lips.

"I love you Peeta Mellark" and with that he hangs up. I go back upstairs and change into my dress, and I wait.

The hours tick by as I wait and wait and wait and he never comes. I look at the clock, prom will be ending in an hour, and I quickly change from my dress to a sweatshirt and a pair of leggings. I slip on my boots and begin my trek to Peeta's house. His mother must have done something awful for him to be this late. I need to make sure he's okay. It may be march but here in Panem the cold never seems to leave. I pull my sleeves down and wrap my arms around myself.

Peeta's white house comes into sight and I can see the faint glow of the lights still on. I see his old worn truck and smile at the memories we share in that old thing. That truck's back seat has seen more of Peeta and I then our parents. I am a mere 10 steps away from his slightly worn white porch when I feel hands around my waist. I do not know these hands. They are too small to be Peeta's. I try to turn to see who it is but they are stronger than I anticipated and I am not allowed an inch of movement and then they push an old rag to my face. I can smell something foul yet oddly sweet. As the world around me begins to fuzz at the edges I can see Peeta from the window, but know he doesn't see me. I struggle but everything become blurry and my vision begins to fade. I think I am being lifted. I can vaguely see the white metal roof of a van. Then nothing.

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><p>Peeta's POV<p>

"MOM, I LOVE KATNISS!"

"NO YOU DON'T SHE IS POOR, FILTHY RAT! YOU LIKE HOW THE WHORE LETS YOU FUCK HER! NO SON OF MINE LOVES A SEAM SLUT!" This has been going on for nearly two hours and I am done. I make my way to my front door and slam the door behind me and take off running towards Katniss' house. I am a T shirt and jeans as I never even got the chance to change before my mother's broken record-like fight with me began. I pull her spare key from beneath the welcome mat and burst through the door. The first thing I see is her mother on the couch sleeping. I run up to Katniss' room and find it empty. I quickly search the entire house and find that Katniss isn't in it. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong. but hey maybe she decided to go without me. This thought gives me a little comfort. But then again she hates these things and would never go without me. Its almost midnight so there is no way she would go to the woods. I begin to freak out, as my mind races at where she could be. I decide to see if maybe Jo and Annie pulled her to Prom. Surely thats what happened. Katniss refuses to let me get her a cell phone so I decide to call Finn

"Hey bro, why aren't you here?" He questions, having to yell in order to be heard over the pounding music I can hear.

"Is Katniss there?" I say quickly, my mind is in overdrive. I can't help this feeling that something is terribly wrong.

"WHAT?" he yells as the music gets louder.

"IS KATNISS THERE?" I yell into the phone, becoming frantic.

"WHAT?" He yells yet again "HOLD ON PEET." I shuffle nervously from foot to foot while I wait for him. I can hear the Music begin to fade. "Okay, now talk."

"Is Katniss there?" I ask nervous to hear the answer. I am absolutely scared shitless right now.

"No Peet we thought she was with you." He responds catching onto my seriousness.

"Finn I can't find her." I say terrified of what has happened to my beautiful girl. I can hear Finn running to get Annie and Jo over the music.

"Peet we will find her, don't freak she probably is in the woods or walking or something." He reasons. But I know this isn't the case, its too late for her to do that. I run out onto the street. I look everywhere. I can't find her, I see Finn's car in the distance. They file out with somber faces.

Annie speaks first, "Peeta, we couldn't find her anywhere." She looks as though her heart is breaking. I fall to my knees and feel empty.

My beautiful Katniss, where are you?


	5. Chapter 4

**Hello guys. So this is THE chapter. I got really emotional writing this and tried to make as realistic as possible without giving too many details. If you arm not comfortable reading this, I completely understand. I want all of you to know that I have been reading fanfic for a long time, and over the years, I have come across many stories where an event as terrible as this happens to the main character. And over the years I have found that a lot of these stories almost glaze over it, like it isn't a big part of the story, and simply use it as a way to show fluff between characters. I know from personal experience(I was not raped but I do have an extreme anxiety disorder and have been placed into many mental institutions and group therapy rounds. It is through this that I met and gotten to know and even befriended people who were raped and are haunted by it.) that there is not a single rape victim that forgets, or is fine afterwards. It stays with you, and in an odd way I wanted to give victims justice by not glazing over it, like so many others. So without further ado, here it is. I hope you can understand why I felt it necessary to write it all out.**

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><p>I wake with a hazy fog over my eyes. I can feel the plushness of what I believe is a bed underneath of me. Slowly I try to take in my surroundings as the haze leaves my eyes. I see a window on the wall opposite of me and a door on the adjacent wall. The walls are a very clinical white and the whole room smells like an overly sterile hospital. There is nothing else here. Wait where is here? I try to sit up and am immediately pushed back down by the throbbing pain in my head. I see a small gangly man walk into the room. He has a beard that has been shaped so that it appears as though there are flames licking their up the side of his face. I try to sit again, this time with at least a bit more success. I do not know this man. "Where am I?" I ask struggling to stay upright as the room begins to swirl around me again. The man does not respond. I watch him carefully, with a renewed fear when I see the needle. It filled with a slightly transparent blue liquid. I begin to shake as my minds runs rampant with the thought of what it could be.<p>

"What is that for? TELL ME WHERE I AM!" I scream at him. He does not respond. He looks at me as though I am a bug, something he could squash so easily and I hate it. I am about to yell at him again but he stabs my arm with the needle and injects the serum into my bloodstream, without a second thought.

"You are here to stay. This will keep unwanted side effects of the work you will now be doing, at bay."

"What work?" I ask, terrified now.I can guess what he is alluding to, but I refuse to accept. Surely this is a just a terrible, terrible nightmare. This can't be happening to me. I am not even attractive. I am bony, and short, and my eyes are a dull gray. Peeta constantly fights me on the stance of my non-existent no, Peeta, he is probably losing his mind right now. I remember the time I ventured a little too far in the woods. I had told Peeta I would be spending the night at his house. I did not make it back until well-past midnight. I found him crying and pacing, with a crazed look on his face. I try not think about what Peeta is doing right now, because even imagining him in pain only brings me more pain.

I am torn from my thought by the man's simplistic response: "This work." He then leave the room, no further explanation, no details, nothing but a devilish smile.

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><p>Soon there is yet another man I don't know in the room. This man has tattoos that stretch from the base of his neck to the tips of his fingers, encasing his body in an all too colorful wrapping paper of skin. He is grotesquely obese and has no hair atop his head. I look into his eyes and see nothing but rage: A psychopathic rage that causes my body to go rigid with fear. I see him begin to fumble with the zipper of his pants, and my worst fears are realized. I scurry back on the bed so that may back is pressed firmly against the headboard. He begins to crawl his way up the bed towards me, with a smirk on his face that displayed his yellowing teeth. When he is close enough so that I can smell his stomach churning breath, I reel my hand back and hit him square in the face. It appears to have no affect on him at all, like my punch was nothing more than a butterfly landing on his nose.<p>

"Feisty" he whispers in my ear as he grabs wrists and yanks me from the headboard, He takes one of his abhorrent hands off my wrist to pull my pants down and I use this to get away from him. I force my knee into his groin and scurry to the window and hit it with my might, it doesn't break. I hit it again. Why won't it break? Then I feel his large monstrous body behind me, pushing my small frame against the wall, so that face is pressed against the cool glass. Using his shear weight to press me further into the wall he pulls my pant and underwear down. I struggle with my might but then I feel it. A bloodcurdling scream escapes my lips as he enters me. An unimaginable pain rips through hips. And I want to cry so badly, but I refuse to show weakness to this pig. So instead I stand there in silence, wishing for it to end, and it does. I stand there until he leaves and I stand there until the next man enters, and where he leaves me I stay.

_Man after man, I loose everything and slip into the same state my mother is in. I feel nothing. My entire body shuts down. I stare blankly at the wall. A single tear creeps down my face. I have nothing, I am nothing. I repeat this over and over again, until I believe it without a doubt. I feel the pressure lift from above me. But I don't move. I lay there as he gathers his things. I lay there as he leaves without a word. I do not get up. I never get up._


	6. Chapter 5

**Peeta POV**

I lay in her warm bed and cry, trying to hold onto her. This room is where I last sure she was. Everything she loves is in this room. I need to be here to feel closer to her. As if I stayed here one day she would just walk in with a smile and a bag of dead animals slung over her shoulder, like she never the begining I would simply sit on the bed and scream at the world for taking my girl on fire away from me. And then that wasn't enough. I began to sleep in her bed, because when I closed my eyes I could smell her. Over the weeks, her smell has began to subtle and slip away. Her few keepsakes are beginning to gather dust. It is as though she is leaving me all over again.

She has been gone for a month now. In the beginning there were mass searches. Volunteers came and searched with no avail. Then, after three days of non-stop searching, it officially changed from a Search and Rescue to a Search and Recovery. As the weeks went on the volunteers dwindled, the police officer became enthralled in new cases, leaving less and less people to search for my Katniss, and then nothing at all. The police have given up. They think she is dead. Her mother never even listened when I tried to tell her her daughter was taken. Finn, Jo and Annie have given up on her too. I see it in their eyes, the pity for me, and the sadness that one of their best friends is gone. Even little Prim believes her sister is dead. They want to hold a funeral. About a week ago, Prim had told me that she wanted her sister to be at peace, wherever she was and even though her body could not be at the grave, her soul would, and that her soul deserved a proper burial. It was the only time I had ever yelled at Prim. I refuse, I can't except that she is dead, I can't do it. She is my everything. I can't possibly be in a world without her smile lighting up a room, or body pressed against mine or her voice silencing the forest with her melody. I need her.

I hear the phone ring and ignore it. I used to jump and run full speed across the house. I had so much hope that it would be someone, anyone telling me where Katniss was, or that she had been saved, but it never was. So after yet another "_I'm sorry for your loss_." as if she was already dead, I stopped answering a week ago, the ringing phone becoming nothing but a sad and bitter background music of sorts to this hell I am currently living in. I heard the ring stop but then it began immediately again. I stood from her bed and with every footstep I became angrier with the person interrupting my only time I would have this week to be in her room.

"Hello" I answered, you could hear the venom, I longer tried to hide towards these people who gave up on her.

"Hello, I assume this is Peeta Mellark?" I recognize the voice. It's the sheriff, Haymitch Abernathy. Over the past few weeks I have gotten to know our town sheriff far more than I would have liked to. I gain hope at the sound of his voice.

"Yes" I answer eagerly.

"I am very happy to inform you that we have found her." I waited; he did not say her or her body. As if he can read my thoughts he says with what I can only guess was a smile "Alive." And with that single word I am running towards the police department at full speed. I don't feel or care about the feeling of the cold wind licking at my face, or the slight heaving in my chest from running in the cold. My mind is racing almost as fast as my legs.

She is alive; I knew she was, I just knew it. In this moment I may be the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I will have my Katniss back. I will be able to hold her tight to me while I slept. I will be able to watch her as she giggles at an embarrassing comments made by me. I will be able see her eyes fill with love and desire and anger and all of the emotions she ever wishes to feel. I will get to tell her I love her just one more time, screw it I will get to tell Katniss I love her everyday for the rest of my life. I will get to see her eyes shine when she shots a good haul or makes a good trade. I will still be able to have "fattening Katniss" dates, where I simply enjoy watching her eat to her hearts content. I will be able to see her face as she eat one of my cheesebuns. I will be able to smile at her scowl when I am be "overly romantic and mushy", as she so nicely puts it. I will be able to watch her as she wakes up and see the haze the morning grogginess brings leave her eyes. I will be able to hear her voice. I will be able to love her with my whole heart and soul. I will have my Katniss back.

I speed down the town's decrepit roads and I reach the police station and yell to noone in particular: "Where is she, where is Katniss Everdeen?" I look wildly around the room and am met by eyes. I see the bewildered eyes of those who have idea of what is happening. The sympathetic eyes of those who I can assume know who I am and who katniss is, but have no clue that she is alive. And then there are the eyes who are filled with happiness, unadulterated and complete happiness for me, because they know the truth. I see a pair of those eyes walking towards me. I am now face to face with Abernathy.

"Let's go see her kid." He smiles at me and leads me to his car.

"Where are we going? Where is she? Is she okay?" The questions tumble from my mouth. I have so many questions, I need answers.

"Kid, breath, alright one at a time. She was found collapsed in the Capitol, she looked real beat up kid. She is in the hospital now kid."

"What did they do to her?" I ask, scared of the answer.

"We believe that Katniss was a victim of the sex trafficking ring they got up there. Countless victims, all though, they've never ventured this far out. The bastards like to stay in a specific zone." He says trying not to look me in the eyes.

The air is gone. I can't breath, mY chest feels as though a ton of bricks were stacked perfectly on top of it. Not my Katniss, she didn't deserve this. She did nothing. This is all my fault I should have taken better care of her. I shouldn't have asked her to go to prom with me. I should have just ignored my mother. I should told her to not wait up for me, to go ahead and go with Jo and Annie and Finnick. This is all my fault. All my fault. All my fault. I hyperventilate and begin to cry, not caring that Haymitch is sitting right next to my fault. All my fault. All my fault. I imagine another man on top of her as she screams. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault. I imagine her being hit and beaten, ruthlessly. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.

I am forced from my thoughts when Haymitch lays a hand on my shoulder. I look up and see the large and ominous hospital lying in front of me. Somewhere in that hospital is my katniss. And I will be strong for her. I failed her, but I will never fail her again. I will be strong, for her.

Haymitch and I make our way to the front desk.

"Hello Sheriff," the woman with garish pink hair behind the desk greets Haymitch a little too friendly, "have you come to see that poor girl?" Haymitch gives her a terse nod in response, " I hear shes not doing too well, you know they some of the people up there don't know if she would want to even wake up. I mean I can't imagine…"

"Effie," Haymitch says cutting her off abruptly, I'm sure to save me from hearing whatever crude thing was about to tumble from her purple lipstick covered lips. "This here is Peeta Mellark, he is Katniss' boyfriend and would greatly appreciate it if you would just take us to where she is."

The woman, Effie I suppose, looks mortified. "Of course Haymitch. I am terribly sorry. Goodness where were my manners. Come along follow me." She leads down what seems a never ending maze of hall and rooms and blocked off corridors, until we finally reach her room. Effie simply gives us a nod, and leaves, the click-clacking of her heels echoing through the hall.

I turn to the door and stare at it. I see the door. The grain has no specific pattern and has been faded by the many layers of gloss giving the pale wood an almost plasticky look. I feel the chilled handle and lightly push down. I take in a deep breath in a sad effort to calm myself, or prepare myself, I don't know. I push the door open and I see her. I bound quickly over to her.

I examine her face. Her cheeks are sunken in, defining her pronounced cheekbones far more than they ever should be. There is a bruise that runs from her temple down to her jawline. There is also a large cut above her eyebrow I can tell has recently been stitched up. Her hair lies limp and dull around her face. The tell-tale purple-blue welts that litter her face , continue down her arms. I can tell from the lack of space being taken up by the bed that she is even thinner than she was when she was stolen from me. I can see the signs of her beginning to wake from beneath where i stand. I can see her breathing hitch and her chest rise and fall at a more rapid pace. She begins to squirm beneath the sheets. And then I see them.

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><p><strong>Katniss POV<strong>

I am forced to will my own eyes open. I am immediately blinded by the white glow that is above me. I feel something or maybe it's someone touch my face. I cringe under the hand. Soon things around me begin to become clearer and I am soon able to make out a silhouette next to me. For the first time what seems like years, this figure seems familiar. I wait for my vision to slowly come back and as it does I am able to make more of this person out. I am able to tell this now, most definitely a man. I am first able to make out the chiseled muscles that are eerily familiar. Then I am able to make out the blonde curls atop this persons head. And then the unforgettable smell of cinnamon and bread assaults my nose. And then finally I see him. Peeta. He is here. He sees me, and I am able to look into those eyes. The eyes that I have longed for nothing more than to see one last time. Soon, his face is mere inches from mine. He moves a few pieces of hair from my face and smiles down at me. He is here, he is really here. Surely he is not here. this can't be real. This isn't real. "Katniss" he whispers it into my ear. This singular word, as simple as my name, sends me back to that place. And I begin to look around frantically. I know they are coming another man will come, I know it. I can already feel the hands on me. Peeta wasn't real, he was just my imagination. They are here. They will hurt me. It is inescapable. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing and I can hear the once calm and steady beeping somewhere in my head become erratic. Then I see them, I see all of them running towards me, trying to hurt me all at once and I begin to scream. My vision began to cloud and I welcome the darkness.

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><p><strong>Peeta POV<strong>

I see her eyes. I can actually see them in front of me. I see they have changed, but I still am able to see my Katniss. I reach up to move the pieces of her hair, she is so perfect. I love her with my whole heart. Finally I break the silence and whisper her name. I lover her name and I have missed saying it to her but when I say it her beautiful gray eyes that were just filled with love are now overrun by fear. I see the color drain from her face, as she turns her heads from one side to the other, scanning the room. Her breathing quickens until there is none at all and I am trying to calm her down but she looks right through me. As though I am not even there. Then the doctors rush in and inject a purple serum into her IV and I see her eyes begin to close, as she slips back into unconsciousness.

As I sit there, next to her I cry. What have they done to her? They have broken her. I want to kill them. I don't even know who this monster is but I want to, no NEED to kill them. I fill with rage as the tear on my cheeks begins to boil. I watch her, her chest rise and fall. After a few hours a nurse tries to pull me away, but gives up when she sees I have no intention of leaving her alone. At around 1 in the morning she begins to stir in front of me. She looks up with fear in her magnificent gray eyes as she adjusts to her surroundings once again. Her eyes fall on me and she begins to sob. Immediately I am on the bed hold her small frame tightly to my side as her body racks beneath my arms. She cries until she falls asleep in my arms and as I lie next to her I whisper promises in ear. I promise to keep her safe with my whole being. I will never let Katniss go.


	7. Chapter 6

Peeta POV

I feel her begin to stir against my chest. I loosen my grip on her small frame as not to scare her again. She turns suddenly, sensing the body behind her. Her eyes are glassy when she turns; a dull, unwelcoming dead stare and it scares the shit out of me. Then I see her begin to recognize me.I see the haze begin to fade away and she smiles, but I know that the haze will be back, and this thought alone breaks me all over again. I need her lips on mine, to kiss her again and without thinking I pull her closer to me so that our faces are a mere inches away from each others'. I feel her entire being tense beneath me and I immediately pull away. I am so stupid. Why would she want to kiss me right now. I feel the apology forming on my lips but she beats me to it.

"Sorry. I just..." She breaks down again right in front of my eyes. Her form wracks with sobs and I pull her tight to me, as to keep her together. Because surely if I let go, she will break and be gone for forever. I am instantly filled with guilt. I should not be causing her this pain. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.

"Don't be. I shouldn't have done that. I am so sorry Katniss." I whisper so that no one but her could possibly hear it. We lay like this for a while : her chest pressed to mine, her head on my shoulder, our arms holding each other together, legs laced in an unbreakable bond. Finally I feel her tears begin to lessen, and her sobs to calm. It almost feels like us again. I imagine her reason as just another nightmare. If only. She is now fully relaxed again but still we remain the same. Then Haymitch walks in.

"Hello Katniss," he begins, trying to be as kind as possible, which may the record hold is nearly impossible for him, although her is doing a rather good job right now. I feel her go stiff again. She sits looking around frantically for any intruder. I pull her into a hug that I hope reassures her. She begins to calm slightly at my reaction and is still very clearly hesitant about Haymitch, and instead of refusing to show her fright, she cowers behind me. This is not like my Katniss at all. My Katniss would have stood straight up and greeted the sheriff with strength, even if it was just an act. They truly managed to break the most strong and independent woman I know and have gotten the privilege to love. "Peeta," he nods to me. I nod tersely in response still holding Katniss close.

"Katniss we need to ask you questions about what happened to you. Okay?" He looks at her as if she is a dying puppy. suddenly I can feel her realization of this as she straightens a little behind me, showing the my Katniss is not gone or fully broken, but cracked.

"Can Peeta stay?" I hear her ask trying to muster strength and I know that she truly isn't gone. I am glad she wants me to be here and I am also bursting to know what exactly happened to her. But I am also terrified of what i will hear.

"Of course dear." He smiles slightly as he pulls a chair out so that he is parallel to the hospital bed we are currently perched on.

"Where do you want me to start?" she asks with a quietness I have never heard in her voice.

"Why don't you start at where you were taken from." He says encouragingly. I look down at her and give a smile wishing her to start.

"I was going over to Peeta's because he had never come and I knew his mother could be ruthless sometimes, so I went to see him." I could hear the venom at the mention of my mother. However all I can focus on is how Katniss' words have only just solidified the fact that this is all my fault. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault.

I feel her hands on the sides of my face pulling it down so that I am forced to look into her eyes. It is almost as if they are saying that it is not my fault. But behind that I see the pain. All my fault.

We both hear the Sheriff clear his throat, edging Katniss to continue. And after a minute she lets go of my face and continues..

"Um... I was almost there when I felt someone following me and then..." She looks down, worried "I… I can't remember much else but the smell now. It was horrible and made me retch." The sheriff is furiously writing things down now. And when he stops to look up she continues. "I woke up in a room, with four white walls. There was nothing in the room but a bed and a window." I hear her breathing began to speed up. Slowly I rub her back lightly, trying to calm her down. "Then a man came in with a needle. I can't remember exactly what he looked like. But...um...he injected the needle and then..."

She paused looking up at me, I give her a tight squeeze, assuring her it was okay to continue, as my hand continued to rub her back. "He told me it would prevent things that happened during my "new kind of work"." I shudder as I realize what she is saying. "Then they sent the first man in." My arms tighten around her as the need to protect her from that is evil is flourishing. "I tried, I really did, but he was so large and I had nowhere to go," She sounds as if she is trying to get Haymitch and I to understand that she did not just allow this, " He… he…" I feel her body shake with the memory of what this asshole did to her. Before my brain fully allows it, I feel the tears leak from my eyes. I hate them. I have never hated a single person in this entire world before, but I hate them, Ihate all of them. I hate them so much that I want to watch as the life drains from their faces. I want to watch them slowly and excruciatingly die for what they have done to my beautiful, perfect, radiant, strong Katniss. I will make sure they pay.

I am pulled from my thoughts by Haymitch's crass voice, beckoning Katniss for more.

"I know this is very hard for you Katniss but in order to find the people who did this to you, I'm afraid you will have to continue."

"He… raped me. After him a new guy was sent in immediately after the never stopped coming. Some would come in with bread and this god awful chicken and would feed me. I was only allotted 30 minutes to eat, when they even allowed it at all. The first day I didn't eat and timed it. And another I didn't finish it before my time was up and the man who brought it in slapped and kicked me, pulled the food away and then did horrible things to me. It was like I wasn't even a person. Although, all of the men who had brought it that day would stand in the corner whilst I ate and they would do the same. They were the worst. Then they would send in another man. They were always older and all of them were larger. Some tried to be kinder. Some just hurt. They never let me sleep. I never saw the same face twice." By the time she is done my face is drenched with tears and my eyes are filled with rage. I will make them pay.


	8. Chapter 7

Katniss POV

I have spent nearly a week in this damn hospital and I want to go home. I hate it here. It smells exactly like that damn room and every time I wake up and smell it I have what my therapist has labeled an attack. During these 'attacks' I breakdown and cry and I my brain places me in the room that ruined me. We have very quickly learned that Peeta is the only one who can pull me from these episodes.

The first one he saved me from was probably the worst. Much to his dismay, I had sent him off to school that morning. He needed to go, he was missing too much school. Peeta however argued that this was our last year and there were only a few days left anyway. We compromised on a half-day. I was fine for a while, losing the hours with terrible reality TV and a never-ending supply of ice-chips. I was in the middle of an Animal Planet marathon when all of the sudden I heard the door click. My mind had made the click of the door deafening and I was no longer in my hospital room. I was watching as they hurt me over and over again. I saw myself being hurt and there was nothing I could do. I screamed and screamed. I screamed for them to stop. I screamed for help. I just plainly screamed. When I heard a voice breaking through. "Katniss! You're okay, it's okay nobody is here but me. I would never hurt you. I love you. Katniss It's not real." And with that phrase, that I had heard so many times, pulling me from the nightmares my mind created, or comforting me in wake of the ruin from the storm my own mind created, I was okay again. I saw his eyes first,full of fear and pain. My head spun to see the mass of nurses running towards me with needles that no doubt held an anesthetic that would make me lose more hours of the day then I wanted and so after proving to them I was fine, they simply sent Cinna, my therapist up. We quickly decided that it was Peeta who could save me from my own mind. Only Peeta.

And so it was decided that it would in fact be alright for me to go home, as long as Peeta was there. Today is the day I will leave this damned room and return home where instead of lying in this bed all day I can lay in my own bed...all day. I have still not been cleared to return to my normal life.

"Hey Kat you ready to go?" Peeta asks, succeeding in pulling me from my thoughts.

"Finally. Let's go before they change their minds." I say and he grins at this. Despite what has happened to me, Cinna and I have talked and I have decided that this will not be my undoing and over the past week I felt my old self begin to come out again. Peeta has too and I don't think I've ever seen him smile that large toothy grin at my stubbornness or my sarcastic dry tone. Peeta grabs my waist and pulls me to him and we leave. There is nothing special about it. There were no heartfelt goodbyes from the nurses or doctors because they had taken it upon themselves to avoid me. Some thought I was asking for what happened to me because in our small little town I was simply a seam slut, some were appalled by Peeta and I sharing a bed every night, little did they know, and some just didn't like me. Oh the joys of living in a small town.

Peeta pulled me to his car with a newfound giddiness in his step. "Katniss?" He said my name questioningly. "Do you think it would maybe be alright if I kissed you?" We have not kissed since before it all. Peeta has not even brought it up since that first night in hospital. I am scared that when I do it will send me back to that place, that I will not be able to tell it is Peeta, that all I will feel on my lips are those of them, the ones who took me and ruined me for their own pleasure. I try to keep my face neutral but by the hurt look on Peeta's face, I did not conceal it very well. Damn me, always hurting him with my endless supply of baggage. He is here for me whenever I need him, he always has. And yet I cannot even kiss him. I am a terrible girlfriend. I am such a bitch. I have to do this for Peeta, he has sacrificed so much for me I will just have to put my fear to the side for now. And so without a word I lean up and press my lips to his. And my fears begin to become a reality, as the thick haze begins to pull me from reality; but when I feel Peeta's feather light touch on either of my cheeks I am pulled back to **him**. I see **him**. I feel **him**. I smell **him**. And he is perfect.

"Thank you." He whispers against my lips then turns to pull the door to his old truck open for me. I already miss his lips, and as I climb into the car I give him another quick peck.

I see the town fly by. I see Sae's Diner, where what little money I made managed to keep me alive.I see the Mellark Bakery, where I watched Peeta with rapt attention, perfecting whatever it was he was working on. I see the library where I had spent so many days after my father died simply looking for heat. I see the movie theatre where Peeta changed my life. I see the Town Hall where my mother, Prim, and I had received the medal in honor of my father that lies carelessly in a closet. I see the High school. I see Peeta's home. And then I see my own. Unconsciously during this ride home that was supposed to be uneventful I have allowed my eyes to leak with tears. I turn to Peeta and I can clearly see the uncertainty in his eyes.

"I didn't think I would ever get to see it again." I whisper so quietly, I don't think he heard me for a second. I suck in a breath as I feel his arms wrap around me and pull me tight to him. He pulls away from me slightly so that he can place a feather light kiss on my lips and holds my forehead to his. All too soon we break apart and once Peeta grabs our bags, he is immediately by my side with his arm wrapped protectively around my waist. We walk to the front door and open it using Peeta's key. I step inside and I can smell the faint remnants of my father. I can hear the television roaring mindlessly in the back ground. I can see all of the furniture placed exactly where my father had once out it. I feel Peeta's arm still holding me to him with a newfound protectiveness. I am home.

* * *

><p>I find myself in my room. It is exactly how I left it and yet it doesn't feel like mine anymore. I turn to see Peeta standing in the doorway. We stare at each other for a while. i can see the search in his eyes. He is trying to see how I react to my old home. I try my hardest to fill my eyes with happiness and elation, for Peeta; however, the sad, defeated look in his eyes tells me I am failing. So I turn to face my room again. I look to the bed and instead of my old worn gray comforter laying atop of the worn spring mattress I have slept on for years, I see the decadent, garish purple comforter. Instead of my dark green walls that wrap my room in my favorite color, all I see is sterile white. Then I see the window. That damn window. It was there to taunt me. To show me freedom and give me hope, but then rip all of it to pieces with every person that came. My breathing transform to calm and quiet breaths to jagged and random gulps of air. I feel the sweat start to trickle down my forehead. I run to the window and throw my fist against the glass, only this time it breaks. It actually breaks. I can get away. This doesn't have to be my prison. I begin to climb onto the window sill when I feel two large hands surround my waist, pulling me from freedom, from happiness. "LET ME GO!" I scream at the person holding me to them. I look out the now shattered window and I see my freedom slipping away with every inch I am pulled back. I kick and scream and scratch the person keeping me from it, but they do not relent. I begin to cry, uncontrollable, fat tears. "KATNISS! IT'S NOT REAL! Baby come on, honey it's not real. I would never hurt you. Please Katniss, come back to me. It's not real." As quickly as it came, the room I was trapped in is gone and replaced by mine own. I feel Peeta behind me, holding me tightly to his chest. The window I thought was taunting me with freedom, promised nothing but death if I had jumped from it. I recognized it as my window. My window that allowed for the entirety of the forest to be on display is three stories above the cold, hard ground. I fall to the ground in a heap of tears and snot. I feel Peeta pulling me into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around me.<p>

* * *

><p>I don't know how long we sit like this: Me in his lap with his arms wrapped tightly around me, drawing soothing patterns on the small of my back. Finally I feel myself begin to calm. It is then when I begin to feel sharp pains in my hands. I slowly remove my head from Peeta's shoulder and look down. I am met with a pool of crimson red blood and shards of glass. Noticing my movement peeta looks down at what I have just taken in myself. Wordlessly he lift me from the ground and quickly carries me to the bathroom. He gently sets me down on the sink so that his strong body is pressed in between my legs at the edge of counter top. He turns the sink on and begins the meticulous work of removing the glass from my hands.<p>

"There was a window…" I start not truly knowing what I am about to share. He looks at me slightly puzzled by my vague words. "In the room they kept me. I tried to break it that first time, but it wouldn't. I always looked out that window, during it all. It brought me hope but at the same time it was a constant reminder that I couldn't get out. That I wouldn't. There were people below the window. A few times I saw them look up. I don't know if they ever actually saw but this one time I swear this woman looked straight into my eyes, then at the person who I was currently… employed to… and just kept walking. It was like nobody cared, Peeta. She saw me but didn't care." Some time during my explanation Peeta had stopped cleaning my hands and instead was staring at me with tear brimmed eyes. I began to shy away from his face, surely he doesn't still care for me, seeing the mess i have become. As if reading my mind, Peeta tilted his head in a way that made so it was impossible to look away from his eyes.

"Katniss, I love you. I am so sorry this happened to you and I promise you i will destroy whoever hurt you this way. But let's get one thing straight, I love you. I will never stop loving you. I see that look in your eyes. The look that shows your entire heart, almost like you are daring me to crush it, but Katniss, I love you. Nobody else. I will always love you."

"But Peeta I let them do those things to me. I didn't fight. I turned into my m

other and LET them hurt me. You can't, no you shouldn't love me. I am worthless and broken and you deserve someone so much better than me." I stare into his eyes, willing him to listen to me, to leave me. All I see is pure rage. And I know it is directed at me. But underneath of the rage i see a layer of sadness and angst.

"No Katniss. You did not 'let them' you were forced to. Don't you dare think differently. And I am the one who doesn't deserve you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the only person who makes me feel loved. You are the only person who will stand up for me. You are the only person I will ever love, because you are strong and caring and humble and gorgeous. You are the only one for me Katniss. Always." Peeta speaks with such conviction. He is so sure of himself and I love him all the more for it.

"Always." I whisper back placing my forehead against his. I lean in to kiss him lightly, but he deepens it instantly. I can tell he is trying to prove his words with his actions, and I let him. All too soon he is pulling away.

"Now, let's fix up these hands." I nod my head lightly at his words.

"Peeta, I love you."

"I love you too Katniss."


	9. Chapter 8

Katniss POV

Peeta has managed to save me once again. I see the pain that my episodes bring him. I am worthless. I am causing this pain. I can never be the same Katniss as before. That Katniss was dented by the pains of my father's death, my mother's betrayal, and the pains of starvation that lingered in my frame. That Katniss was dented, but reachable. This Katniss that I have become is shattered, never to be repaired. I can not put Peeta through this pain, the pain of me. He is perfect and should find someone better, who can bring that boyish grin that I love so much to his face. I should leave, just meet up with my father in another would be better, for everyone.

I pick at the sweet, warm, slightly-burned cinnamon roll Peeta made for me. The flaky crust and gooey center melt in my mouth as I elicit a moan. I haven't tasted anything good since, well since before.

"Katniss?" Peeta says my name in question, breaking my cinnamon-roll-happiness coma.

"Yeah?" I ask, trying my hardest to be as normal as possible.

" Wha…" Whatever Peeta was about to say was cut off by the loud ring of my front door. I look to Peeta and find the same questioning curiosity lies in his face. Then we hear pounding on the door. My eyes go wide and the haze starts to creep its way into mind. I fight it with everything but it still keeps coming. Its like my subconscious wants to drag me back into that hell. I'm not afraid to let the tears fall this time because I know this my own minds creation. I am terrified of the men that my mind will once again conjure up to hurt me. Then I feel a hand, strong and calloused, pulling me back into reality. This single touch on the side of face pulls back the layers of haze and pain, saving me before it was even able to hurt me. And when I open my eyes, I am not surprised to see the crystal clear blue eyes of Peeta staring at me with worry. He quirks an eyebrow and I nod in response. He begins to pull his hand away from my face and leave, but before he can I grab his face in my hands and press my lips to his. He responds immediately, pushing his tongue deep into my mouth. I could taste the lingering cinnamon and sugar in his mouth. He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth and I whimpered at the action.

"Yo brainless!"Johanna… At the sound of her voice Peeta pulls away, breaking the oh so perfect kiss. I instantly want to mame her into a wordless puddle of skin and bones. "You couldn't have broken away from lover boy over here for a minute to let us in?" she exclaims as she throws her hands in the air gesturing to Peeta and I's current position. Peeta looks at me with that boyish grin that is just so perfect and instantaniously my anger at Jo has dissipated into nothing.

"Kiiiiiiityyyyy!" I hear Finnick purr as he and Annie round the corner. Finnick looks like the third grade boy, ya know the one who needs to lay off a few pounds, looking at Sae's six-layer-double-decker chocolate cake. Annie on the other hand looks very timid and at first I am a little amd that she couldn't just be like the others and treat me like a normal person, but then I think about how I would act if I was in her shoes. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't have even come today. God I'm awful person.

"Finn." Peeta answers, adding a nod in Finn's direction, for me since I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to respond.

"Kat you missed SO much." Jo nearly yells as she hops up and plops herself directly onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and effectively pushing Peeta's arms away from my waist. I look to see his cheeks tinted a very scarlet red. I giggle at his current state of embarrassment.

"Katniss! Are you even listening to me?" Jo asks while snapping her fingers in front of my face. Now Peeta and I match.

"What Jo?" I reply even though I don't really care, I know she is just trying to keep things normal, and I appreciate it greatly.

"As I was saying, Glimmer and Cato went around the school asking people to pray for you and even built you your very own shrine in front of your locker." I scrunch my face at her words. Did people really think I was dead? And why did Glimmer of all people make a shrine for me. What were the words whore, seam slut, or bitch on their because thats all she ever called me when I went to that school. Jo reading into my opinion continues, "I know right I mean that bitch."

"Don't worry though Kitty, Johanna here decided to teach Glimmer and Cato a lesson in front of the whole school. Finn says with a wide grin stretching from ear to ear. At his words I give a pointed look at Jo.

"Explain." I say, keeping my glare strong.

"Well, ya see there was this school wide assembly were they offered grief counseling to anyone who needed and like that was that. It was a very awkward affair, but then Glimmer stumbled her way onto the stage, a weeping mess, and started to say how we should all go to counseling and that she was and how great you were and how you didn't deserve what and I quote "what little time Katniss had gotten in this life". This blew me so stood up and screamed at her about all the times she had practiclly told you that she thought you should die, and about all the crap she said about you, and then I called her the biggest bitch this side of Hell." At this I actually started laughing. I can picture it now, Glimmer pretending to care for me and then in comes Jo, fearless, retelling the crap she did and then my favorite:a very flustered Glimmer staring shocked at what Jo had just disclosed to the entirety of the school.

"It was something else Kitty." Finn says slightly reminiscing. I see his eyes and for the first time ever, I see true sadness in his eyes. I have not once seen anything that remotely resembles sadness let alone what lies in his eyes. I turn to Jo and see the same sadness. I see that they are remembering a very time, the time I was gone. Then it hits me:

"You all thought I was dead too." I look up and see blank eyes, the tops of heads, a tear running down Annie's face. And I run. I leap from my perch on the counter, causing Jo to fall to the ground and I run. I run from everyone. I run to my room and lock the door. Seconds later I hear Peeta knocking on the door and calling out for me. I ignore him and get my boots. I turn back to the door and I can tell Peeta is starting to be very afraid as he has taken to slamming the door with his fist, screaming for me to open it. I look for ways out. I just need to get out. To get away. I look to my window and see my way out. I climb through the shards of remaining glass careful not to cut myself and I leap to my adjoining roof. From there I leap to the ground and finally I can truly run. And that is what I do. I run. I run deeper and deeper into the forest. I run untill I can no longer hear them scream my name. I run past trees and through ditches. I run. I run until my lungs ache. I run untill my stitches begin to come undone. I run until it feels as though my ribs are breaking all over again. Then I break. I fall to the soft grass beneath me and cry.

* * *

><p>I don't know how many hours had passed before I simply ran out of tears. I know that it is dark. That is it. I realize very quickly that I do not fully know where I am. this is not Gale and I's usual hunting grounds because there does not appear to be a significant water source nearby. Slowly, I stand and stretch my legs that have been pulled to my chest for at least 8 hours. Oh no, I have been gone for more than 8 hours. Peeta. He must be freaking out or he may even be looking for me alone. Both scenarios scare me. I am a terrible person and Peeta truly deserves so much more than me. I am nothing and he is everything. He is gorgeous and I am ugly. He is fit whilst I am scrawny. He is whole while I am shattered. Maybe I should stay out here. Not go back. He would move on. He would find someone better. Jo, Annie, and Finn already thought I was dead so why not make it true. It would be so easy to just die. I look around me. I could very easily jump from one of the branches. And so I begin my ascent. Climbing about 35ft up, surely this would be high enough. Right? I walk to the end of the branch, and I am ready. They will all be better without me. I am nothing. I close my eyes. I raise my arms to my side. And just as I am about to jump. I hear the telltale sounds of crashing leaves. And I retreat back to the base of the branch, I do not want to be seen. Surely none of them would think to look up, let alone this high up. But then I see a frantic Gale. And all he does is look up. He knows I feel safest up here and he knew that was where he would find me. Damn him.<p>

"Catnip?" He asks after a few brief seconds of eye contact. They must not know what I was about to do. They just can't. "What are you doing up there?" He asks clearly trying to gauge why I would be this high. Think Katniss, THINK.

"There was a grizzly." I respond simply. I mean it could be possible. Once Gale and I were forced to go 25ft up to avoid the claws of a grizzly, so it was plausible.

"Oh," I see his face rid itself of worry. I can tell he believes me, "You'd better come with me, lover boy all but had a heart attack. I still don't understand why you're with that asshole I mean come on he acts like a girl 90% of the time and you were taken because of him and…"

"GALE! Shut the fuck up. You have no right to say any of that let alone the fact that it is all lies." I yell while making my way down the tree. Once I hit the ground I turn to him, "If you say anything like that again I will beat you into a pulp. Now let's go." Wordlessly, Gale leads me through the labyrinth of trees and at the clearing I see him.

Peeta POV

I sit at the edge of the forest as my deepest darkest fears begin to overwhelm my whole being. Katniss must truly be dead this time. What if she did it herself. I cannot live without her. I just got her back. it hasn't even been a month since I was able to hold her again. What if she is gone? I feel the steady stream of tears that never seem to lessen when Katniss is away. I hear Annie crying behind me, wrapped in Finnick's arms. I feel so much jealousy at the scene of them. They are happy, they have no demons. Shit none of us have demons when compared to Katniss. Jo is sitting wordlessly on a big pile of dirt. I think her choice of seating is some weird kind of self-punishment. I start to turn to look back at her when I can hear the faintest of feat. Snapping my head up and in the direction of the sound. I see her. She is alive. Katniss is alive and appears to be okay. I bolt from the ground to lift her in my arms.

"Please don't ever do that again." I plea in a whispered tone.

"I am so sorry." I hear her whisper back and is very evident from the strain in her voice that she is holding back tears. I pet her hair, like a child in an effort to comfort her. When this doesn't work, I readjust her so that i am holding her bridal style tightly to my chest. There she burrows her head and begins to let silent tears flow down her face.

"Thank you Gale." I say quickly looking up to meet his angered, jealous glare. I quickly turn to the guys.

"I think it might be best if you guys came back another day." I say as nicely as possible. I do not want to hurt their feeling I just think Katniss doesn't need to face them right now.

Jo nods quickly and runs off, not another word. It is evident she is hurt or blaming herself, or both. Annie and Finnick don't say a word either, although their nods were calmer and a bit more understanding. I watch as they slowly walk away, hand in hand, in the direction of Finn's car. I start to walk back up to the house when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn with Katniss, in my arm's to face the footsteps.

"Gale? I figured you'd left." I say trying to keep the distaste from my mouth for Katniss' sake.

"I am gonna stay with her until you go home bread boy." He replies menacingly.

"Gale, I live here now." At my words Gale's face falls for a split second, but rapidly changed to that of pure anger and hatred I know is directed purely at me. I decide to continue. "She needs me Gale. I will protect her, and watch over her. I promise."

He scoffs at my declaration. "I am NOT letting you stay alone with Katniss. She needs me, NOT YOU. You are just a phase, a nothingness along her eventual timeline to me. I am her endpoint Peeta, not you me. Katniss Everdeen will be Katniss Hawthorne and we will have children and you little bread boy will be beggin women for any sign of affection. Katniss and I will have the perfect life, WITHOUT YOU."

"Gale," I start, trying my hardest to stay calm, "Do you even listen to what Katniss wants, or do you just not care. Katniss has told me repeatedly that she never wants children, because she is scared that they will be taken from her. She doesn't want to get married because she saw what it did to her mother. And even if she did want to get married I am sure it would NEVER be to an asshole like you."

I have no time to react before I see Gale's fist ball and rear back, preparing to hit me straight in the face. I close my eyes awaiting the pain. But it never comes. I hear the sickening crack and I feel the blood, but when I look up, I see it is not my blood. I look down at the lifeless figure that now lays in my arms. No...

* * *

><p>I stare incredulously at Gale. His face is blank. He hit her. I look at down at her face as a steady stream of blood flows from her nose. Her eyes are still closed. I thought she was asleep. Why couldn't I tell she wasn't asleep? The girl I love is once again in my arms hurt because of me. All my fault. I turn away from Gale and start to head inside. I can hear him muttering to himself: "She… She …. Why would she do that?". I don't even look back at that sick asshole. I quicken my pace, seeing the stream quicken, and the pool of blood beginning to form on her stomach. I lay her down on the couch and run to get a wet rag. I am back at her side in an instant. And when I am back i see her eyes. She looks scared, terrified even.<p>

"Hey, hey its okay. Gale hit you. I need to clean up the blood from your nose to see how and bad it is. Your safe Katniss I promise." She nods warily in response. I immediately begin to run the cloth under her nose in an effort to staunch the blood flow. I see her wince when I try and wipe away the blood from her nose. I try to lighten my strokes. After another 10 minutes, I have been able to stop the blood and can now fully see her nose.

"How bad?" She asks quietly. I think it was supposed to be a joke but it lost its luster when she saw the look on my face.

"It is definitely broken. That asshole! He was mad at me, why the hell did he hit you?"

"I moved."

"What? Why would you do that?" I asked staring blankly at her expecting face.

"He was going to hurt you." She answered simply, as if it made all the sense in the world to her. It was because of moments like these that truly made me believe that Katniss loved me. I took the sides of her face in my hands and pushed my lips forcefully against hers. Our mouths melded together effortlessly. I could taste the cinnamon rolls that still lingered from this morning. I slowly crawled on top of her so that her body was placed perfectly beneath mine, never breaking the kiss. My knees held her thighs in place as my hands held firmly to her face. Begrudgingly I pulled away because I know Katniss needs to do things like this slowly. So I give her a grin, and pull away.

"Peeta can we not go to the hospital? I just I can't go there tonight I want to stay here...with you." She asks so innocently.

"Of course but we will have to go somewhere tomorrow to set that cute little nose of yours." I say as tilt mmy head down to give her a light peck on her beautiful lips. I flip us so that she is lying on top of me. I play with her hair, her beautiful long dark hair. I draw patterns on her lower back and eventually I feel her fall into a deep sleep atop me.


	10. The End

Katniss

I feel something firm beneath me, feeling the warmth radiate off of it I snuggle closer, accepting the arms that surround my small frame and the cinnamon-dill scent that fills my entire entire being being with a sense of comfort. I feel the arms tighten around me and I am safe. I know I am, but it doesn't stop the images from evading my mind. Even in this sleepy state, my memories are able to overtake me and fill me with crippling fear. Even as I lie here in Peeta's arms, I still feel the threat. My breathing quickens as I remember those awful men who will never leave. I will be stuck with each and every one of them for the entirety of my life. It is up to me to decide how long that will be and what meaning my life will have. I have the choice of living or dying. This is my choice now, nobody else's and I will live, for Peeta. But not just for Peeta, I will live for me. I will live for those like me, those who have undergone extreme and irreversible pain. Pain that needn't exist but those in the world who crave fear and pain have made it a staple in this world. Despite all of our efforts there will always be sick bastards out there who wish to hurt others, despite their innocent age. Because for them, they are not able to regain their innocent selves,instead they will remain the empty monsters they are for all eternity, but I, with help, have the ability to return to the person I am, without the crippling fear and debilitating self-loathing. I will survive and they will die.

Author's note: Hey guys, so I had been thinking about how to end this story for a while now, and both seemed too extreme. I started this story wanting a realistic fanfic of such horrid events, to show the people who had flaked over it so simply that this topic is serious and demands a true portrayal of the events; not just some glazed over, hour long ordeal. This is why if I left Katniss perfectly happy that would not at all be what is realistic. In turn, if I wrote her suicide, it would almost show the inability to overcome this ordeal and I know that is not true for many and in all honesty, a bad message to send. And so I came to the conclusion that I personally have experienced(of a different type of course). It was the decision to let allow my demons to get to me, but to overcome them, and I think it honestly just happens randomly, when you decide to help yourself. It may come soon...or not. But it will come, and this is how I wanted to end this fanfic. And with that, "This world I Used to Love" is complete.


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